On being lost: Who am I? Which way do I go?

*Let me preface this post by saying that I know that this topic is not unique to women or mothers. However, it is written from that perspective as that is my experience.

“Just because you don’t know where you are going,
it doesn’t mean you are lost,” said Tiny Dragon profoundly. 

“Very true,” replied Big Panda. “But in this case we
are definitely lost.” 
(Big Panda and Tiny Dragon by James Norbury).

What does it mean to be lost? 

I think it’s a type of identity crisis. It’s not knowing who you are, what you like, or how you got here. You realize that you’ve taken on identities, such as mother, partner, employee, and don’t really know who you are outside of those. It’s feeling like you’re not a full person. 

It’s tragic, but I think that for us to find and be our true selves, we have to have been lost.

Well, that is my experience, at least.

Once upon a time, not too long ago, I realized I was definitely lost. So. Very. Lost. 

You might think that the moment I lost myself was when the life I had built crumbled. But you’d be wrong. I lost myself a long time before this happened; I believe I had been lost since childhood. There were time periods in my life in which I felt more myself, but my trauma and circumstances felt too big and insurmountable and I kept getting pushed back.

As a child, my way of feeling safe was to abandon every part of who I was. I never felt safe to be myself outwardly, or to feel my feelings. So, I shut off my emotions, escaped into books and fantasies, and became someone I wasn’t. This was how I survived. 

These methods of survival served me as a kid, but I didn’t realize that I had held onto this way of surviving throughout my adult life as well. I thought that I knew who I was, but I only knew the version of myself that I had become as a child. In adulthood, I had effectively, remained lost.

I don’t believe that we need to have experienced (big T) Trauma in our lives to become lost. I think that society in which we live, where productivity and hard work are pushed and marriage and raising babies are priorities, it’s easy (almost inevitable) to become lost. Those identities of partner, employee, parent end up becoming who we are. 

We become someone who is lost when we succumb to societal expectations about who we think we are supposed to be and how we think we are supposed to live our lives. Having Trauma on top of these things is just something that further increases the likelihood of our lost-dom.

It is hard to be lost. But there is so much hope. We can begin the journey back to ourselves when we realize that we are lost. We can re-find, re-become, re-discover, re-create ourselves. Being lost isn’t a life sentence. We can clear away the debris, learn to heal from and live with Trauma, and decide to remove the societal/cultural/familial expectations that don’t serve us, to find out who we really are and who we want to be. 

We don’t have to re-become the person that we used to be before we became lost; we can start from a clean slate. It’s time to hit the refresh button.

It’s imperative to be gentle with ourselves and extend ourselves grace, compassion, and forgiveness during this moment. We can’t know what we don’t know until we know it. And only once we have that awareness, can we do something about it. We have to feel the feelings, hold ourselves gently, and slowly begin to unravel. 

How to come back to yourself

I think the best way to start unraveling and re-becoming ourselves is to start doing those things we used to love when we were younger. As a kid, I loved reading and writing poetry. As I was unraveling, I started reading and writing again. It helped to start in a space that was familiar to me. If you used to enjoy playing sports, pick it up again; if you were a painter, grab a brush, some paints, and a canvas; if you used to do crafts, gather some supplies. It doesn’t have to be pretty or perfect. You just have to start.

Once you feel like you’ve come back a little, start trying on new identities.

For much of my life, I described myself as being introverted, shy, and not liking people. As I was working to re-create who I was, I put on the extroverted, not-shy, and loving people hat. What I discovered was that I am definitely introverted, but I’m not that shy. And I love the people that are meant for me. That people can and do light me up, but it’s specific people, not everyone. 

I’d been curious about dancing and took a free lesson at a dance studio. I’ve never really liked sports, but I played pickleball with a friend one day. I took a charcuterie class with another friend. I’ve become curious about pottery, music lessons, and reading my poetry aloud. I took a solo trip to Asheville, NC because I wanted to (I’d always been terrified to do things on my own – especially travel). 

The beauty in all of this is that none of it has to stick. We get to try new things and identities. And then we get to keep the things that feel good to us and get rid of the things that don’t. 

Being lost in motherhood

Re-finding yourself in the throes of motherhood is exponentially more difficult. We often feel guilty about doing things without our children. We feel like we are only good moms if we sacrifice ourselves for our children. But this is not true. Our children need us to be ourselves more than anything else. They need to know what it looks like for us to take care of ourselves. They need to see us playing, being silly, resting, trying new things, getting together with our friends. We need to model this type of behavior for them, to help them not become lost like we did. We are not selfish if we take and make time for ourselves. 

I give you permission to take the time – and money if that’s required – to try on something new outside of being a mother. Your children deserve you to be the best version of you that you can imagine. This idea that we have to lose ourselves in motherhood, for our children, is outdated and wildly inaccurate. We need to be ourselves during motherhood more than any other time in our lives. 

You don’t have to do it alone… find a fellow friend to try new things with. Coax a mom friend to do something outside of momming, partnering, working. I promise it is worth it. YOU are worth it. 

Again, I know that being lost is not unique to women or mothers. I invite you to share your experience in the comments or send a message; I’d love to hear from you! And if any part of this resonated with you, please share it with someone else who might feel similarly.