‘ello there! It’s been a while, per usual. A lot has happened and changed over the last 6 months, but that’s a post for another day.
Today’s post is brought to you by one of my children. I’ve given a lot of thought to this post. I love my kids deeply and dearly. They have changed and colored every aspect of my life. Everything that I do is done with them in mind. But I sometimes think, especially in the age of social media, our kids often become our “subjects”. They somehow become stories to tell. But they’re not just a story, they are individuals. I feel that sharing anything about them, has to be done sensitively, tactfully, and with discretion as their anonymity is important.
With that in mind, this post is mostly about bravery, love, and how to combat our world/societies. How to make sure we’re a safe place to land for our children. It’s bigger than me, or my child, but in order to give perspective, I’m going to share a bit about one of my kids.
Let’s get to it:
One of my kids is 4 years old. They’re a normal kid. They watch Bluey, Paw Patrol, and Spidey and Friends. This kid enjoys riding bikes and toy jeeps, climbing on the playground, playing pretend, and dressing up. They like playing with legos, animal figures, and puzzles. They are curious about how things work and love to “fix” things. They’re a loving, generous, and sensitive soul. They love their people deeply and are the first ones to offer a hug when you’re feeling down. Also, like normal children, they are wild and rambunctious and have a lot of energy.
With this description, I’m wondering if you imagined a boy or a girl child. If you imagined a boy, did you dress him in “male” pants and shirts and assign colors to those clothes? If you imagined a girl, did you put her in a dress in hues of pink, with long hair?
No matter what you thought of, the child I described was born male. He wears dresses and wants to feel pretty. At this point in his 4-year-old life, I have no idea if he will transition to a girl one day. If he does, or doesn’t, I’ll love him/her all the same.
When he first started wearing dresses, I struggled. My struggles were not because I think that transgender people are less than cisgender people, but because the world still does. I thought, “I am so scared for him; how will he be treated by his peers, their families, and strangers? How will my family respond, react, and treat him if he wears dresses around them; what if something bad happens to him”.
The first time I ever took him out in public with his dress on, I felt so much dread. I was hypervigilant: watching everyone, trying to see if they were going to say/do something to him, or me. Thankfully, nothing major happened that day. And over time, my dread has lessened and I have gained more confidence.
I’ve long known that I cannot change the entire world and the harmful beliefs that permeate throughout our society. I can’t make people accept my child as he is, or be okay with him – a boy, wearing a dress. Unfortunately, this isn’t how the world works. This wouldn’t be an issue any longer if it were.
I believe that as parents we’re often afraid FOR our children, not OF them. We know that the world is scary, dangerous, and cruel. We know that “different” kids are treated differently; they’re outcasts, bullied, and hurt. So, to protect them from harm, we try to change them – our kids. We try to make them wear different clothes; change their toys, favorite colors, and makeup; change who they’re friends with and who they love. We try to fit them neatly into the boxes that are marked “acceptable to society” so they don’t get bullied or hurt. But I think what ends up happening is that the INSIDE of our home also becomes scary, dangerous, and cruel. Our homes are no longer safe. And I believe that is infinitely more terrifying than the outside world.
As humans, if we don’t have a place/person to call home, where we can let our guards down and be ourselves, where we’re seen for who we really are, then nothing ever feels safe. We are communal and connected beings; we long to feel seen and understood by others.
So, no, I cannot change the outside world for my children. I can’t make people accept my child and be nice to him. But I can make sure that my home is a safe place. I can make sure that he KNOWS, without a doubt, that he is loved for who he is, no matter what his clothes look like, his favorite colors, or toys, or the gender he identifies with. Instead of being hypervigilant outside of my home, to see if/who/when he will get hurt, I have to be hypervigilant inside my home and make sure that I am a safe place to land, ALWAYS. I believe that the best way to protect him from the world outside is to make sure it’s safe inside my four walls.*
Of course I’m not going to send him out into the world blind and naive. I think it’s important that he knows and understands that he may get picked on for various reasons, one of them being his clothes. But now he is armed with the knowledge of what could happen and he gets to have the choice to wear whatever clothes he chooses that day.
I think that one of the bravest things we can do for our children is to stand up to society’s rules if something doesn’t feel right to us. Bravery is standing next to our children and allowing them to be and embrace who they really are. I believe that loving someone does not mean trying to change them into my likeness or the likeness of the world.
*Although the focus of this post is on my child born male, this absolutely applies to both of my kids.