Womanhood, Motherhood, and overwhelm… Oh my!

So, I’m going to be suuuuper vulnerable with you today…

You already know that I’m a mom of 2 children. What you may not know, is that I am divorced and consider myself a “single parent”. (Side note: It seems like there is some controversy – and a LOT of tension – on what makes someone a “single” parent. Thankfully, in my single parenthood, I have a coparent that I can count on and trust. We each have the kids 50% of the year. I consider myself a single parent because when I have the kids, I am alone. There is no other adult to help share the burden of the home, finances, parenting, working, etc.) 

On top of being a single parent, I also identify as female. Female-hood comes with its own onslaught of societal expectations in and of itself. While, I am grateful for how far society has come in regards to women and our participation in our economy and society, it seems we’ve gone from one extreme to the other.

It seems like we went from this idea that women can’t do anything/aren’t able to contribute to society (other than reproducing and caring for the babies/home) to this idea that women can AND should do it ALL. That we can take on the roles of caregiver, wife, chef, chauffer, housekeeper, secretary, employee, daughter, friend, sister, aunt, and do all of these things WELL while maintaining a level of sanity and taking care of ourselves in the midst. 

Phew… I’m exhausted just writing that sentence.

I don’t know about you, but this idea of being all things as a woman and a mother isn’t working for me. It is LITERALLY impossible.

Sure, I CAN do it all. But not well. Something, somewhere is lacking.

To which I find myself wondering if I am actually cut out to be a mom. I’m sure it’s taboo to say that aloud and you’re probably going to become concerned for my children’s well-being, but there is no need. I promise. I whole-heartedly love and adore my children and would never trade them for anything, but it’s so. freaking. hard. that I can’t help but wonder if I’m actually qualified for this job that I took on. 

On more than one occasion, I’ve found myself wishing to have character traits that I don’t have. Hoping that I’ll wake up the next day and all of a sudden be someone that doesn’t get overstimulated so easily, be the “fun mom” 24/7, be someone who has access to consistent energy to be/do all of the things, all of the time. 

But that never happens.

I wake up and I’m still severely overstimulated by the constant mental chatter, literal chatter, and barking dogs. Always incredibly overwhelmed by all of the do lists of life. And then I overreact. Once I’ve overreacted, I apologize for my behavior (because I’m learning that the good stuff lies in repair).

It’s a cycle: Do all the things. Overreact. Repair. 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Despite my frustration, I feel that all I can really do is to continue to put my head down and keep moving. Meanwhile, I am reciting all of the positive self-talk I can muster: this too shall pass, I’m going to miss this, one day at a time.

And then all of a sudden, I get a glimmer. I see the zest for life in their eyes, hear the carefree laughter coming from their bellies, absorb the “I love you, mommys” and “goo-goo-ga-gas” (code for I love you from my daughter) and I soften all over again. I remember why I decided to take on this role. Remind myself that I’m doing the best that I can with what I have. That I am, indeed, a good mom and I don’t have to be perfect, be everything, or do all of the things. All I really have to do is try my best and love them with my whole heart. That this will, indeed, pass and I am going to miss these days, terribly. 

If you can relate, you are not alone. I see you. I am you.

If you don’t relate, please, I beg of you, share your secrets!