I’ve been wondering if vulnerability and shame are tightly woven together (see this post on vulnerability). Maybe one of the reason we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable with others is because of shame.
I’m not a shame expert but I’m guessing that shame is something that each of us has experienced at least once in our lives. I know I have… gobbles of it.
So, what is shame?
Shame (noun)
- A painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety
- A condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute
- Something that brings censure or reproach
- Something to be regretted
I find the above definition confusing and hard to understand. Thankfully, Brené Brown IS a shame expert and has come up with a more digestible definition: “[Shame is…] an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”
Oof.
It makes sense to me that living with shame, feelings of unworthiness, and believing we are unlovable would hinder our ability to be vulnerable with others, as well as ourselves. Shame prevents us from wanting to open up and connect with others, because at our core, we think we are flawed.
But let’s challenge that thinking… Aren’t we all flawed? Isn’t that part of the human experience? To take risks, chances, discover who we are, and fall flat on our face time and time again as we do it?
We all make mistakes. Hurt someone or ourselves, intentionally or not. We are all the bad guy in someone’s story at some point in our lives. But being the bad guy doesn’t make us unworthy of love or belonging; it makes us HUMAN. Just like all of the other unique, beautiful, talking, weird, creatures next to you at the stoplight, in the museum, buying coffee. I don’t believe we should allow shame to overcome and envelope us for our lifetime.
I get that it isn’t that easy to just wipe away all the shame that we feel. It takes work, time, and effort, but maybe the beginning of letting go of shame, and stepping into who we really are, is just realizing that we are all the same: inherently “flawed.” None of us less deserving of love, belonging, and connection than the other.
So, if no one has told you lately, YOU ARE WORHTY and LOVABLE as you are! You matter! You belong!
Please say that aloud to yourself and let it sink in. Let it reverberate throughout your entire being. And then say it again.